How did we get here?
We had a moment, years ago. Although I had a boyfriend at the time, and I thought it was serious… we found each other together. As friends. I escaped the craziness of that trip into the seclusion… the warmth… of your room. My plan was to sleep and avoid the drunken charades going on outside. And I did. We did. But we also talked, a lot. We learned about each other. And we kept our pants on.
But it was still such a magical moment. The next day, although my boyfriend wouldn’t talk to me, I went back to him. I rebuilt and I clang to him. I tried to assure him that nothing had happened between us. I mean, nothing had. We were friends before. We hadn’t even teetered on the Friends with Benefits line. And we were still friends.
And yet that night… I went looking for you. Just to talk. I don’t know where you went, but I thought it was for a walk around the hotel property. I headed to the Jacuzzi. And you know… 10 years later… I still remember the way that the chlorine stung my already tear filled eyes. The way that the California summer night held me close, yet left me cold. And you were nowhere to be found.
I just wanted to talk to you. I wanted to know if you felt it, too. I wanted to know that I wasn’t the only one that was spinning in a world that just shortly before made perfect sense. And now, it just felt… better?
The best way to describe how I felt then, and now, is torn. I felt obligated to him. He had been there for so long. Done so much. Put up with me… and although things were good, and I wasn’t left wanting… I was. Wanting to be me. Wanting to be happy. But that is a story for another day.
Although nothing changed between us past that night, it still killed me. Killed me to see you with her. Killed me to not be there. Killed me when you stopped coming to school, when we lost touch, when first you and then I said I do. Not that I didn’t love him. I did… I do… and I know that you love him just as much… which is why you were there. There when he asked. There when we did it. There for everything. You always are.
I love having you around. You are someone I know I can always count on… that will do what needs to be done… no matter what... because you have a good heart.
And then we had the bright idea to let you in… let you come into our personal world… a place reserved for just us. This wasn’t the first time… just the first time under these circumstances. You being single again. Me wanting more. And I love you, trust you. It just felt right.
And he was on board. No… he was encouraging! He wanted us to be together for reasons that just can’t make sense.
And the sparks came back… I asked you to go with me for a night on the town… and you accepted. And we learned more about each other. We laughed… flirted… and what started off so innocent is what created the breeding ground for the next three weeks. The next invitation was more well received than the first… and we found time to be with each other when it wouldn’t have been possible before.
And we laughed. We smiled. We were the happiest we have been in what feels like forever. I found myself waking up with a smile. I looked forward to your silly texts. We told him that we were flirting… than it could never be a just sex thing. He was ok with it.
But last night… we weren’t.
What happened… what did we do… I said a margarita induced truth that I know deep down he still loves me. And before we knew it, tears stained cheeks. Keys were left on the counter. Doors silently shut to keep from waking my babies down the hall… the same babies that kept me grounded when all I wanted to do is fly away.
Fly away with you. To nowhere. Where our lives are so different, yet so much the same. Where I can laugh… where I found me…
But today… I left me behind… to be with him. It’s not at all where I want to be. It’s not where you want me to be. And I am not even sure anymore that it’s where he wants me to be.
But it is what it is…
I just wish we could think of this as a world of possibilities… a place that we go to find what we have been missing… what we need to fill in the holes of my swiss cheese of a life… of a marriage.
We both know that it can’t go exclusive. We both know that it has to be a secret. But just because it’s a secret doesn’t make it a bad thing. It doesn’t mean that we are going to hell… and anything that feels this right can’t be wrong.
Right?
But if we go back now… I don’t know that I can just be your friend. We said, no going back… and now we are wanting to just go back. I am feeling like in order to do that… I need to be gone. I need to disappear. And it needs to be me. He wouldn’t understand what happened if it was you.
I just don’t know anymore… which is stronger… my heart or my head? And which do I want to face tomorrow… ?
